Do you want to change yourself?
Have you come across people or videos where they tell you how to change yourself. Your life! How to improve yourself? Of course, they also mention that its hard and it takes time. Now due to recent research, we know that our brains are not fixed. Neuroplasticity is the term which means that we change by changing our habits or our approach to things. It depends on how we look at it or how we go for it!
They tell you its hard. They tell you its long haul. Trust me there is a part of ‘changing you’ that most of the videos skip.
Interestingly, there is a point in your life while you are transforming or making an effort to do so, you will discover that there are two of you!
Haha… yes, there are two of you. One that is new, wants to go ahead, write that book, write blogs, go for your dreams, boost other people and wants to follow your mentor’s advice to the dot. Then there is other you. The old you! The old paradigm which is deeply integrated into your personality. You really really want to change, but this guy doesn’t make it easy. On the other hand, the good news is, that it means you are on the right track.
Let us take an example. Lets say, you have an emphatic personality. You are easily moved. You are sensitive, and touched by other peoples hardship and cry or feel quickly. You are a good listener and try to be a good friend. You listen to everyone. And of course, give advice and you are always there for your friends when they need it. But soon you realize that due to your personality you are continuously being drained by negative talks of other people. Now. I am not saying that these people are bad. But we all have mirror neurons and unfortunately we duplicate other peoples feelings and emphatic personality are the most affected by this type of interaction. Suppose while your helping others discover that you are absorbing other persons bad attitude and negativity. As you grow, when you realize this issue, your brain knows that this is going to cause me pain…and you notice it begins affect or has affected many aspects of your life. Obviously, you freak out! You don’t want that. You have enough of your issues. You want to move ahead, go write that book, go to conferences, go and have a positive life set. But if you are soaking in other people’s negativity you know it becomes tough!
So your mind decides, oh I have to change! Now the question is how?
The first action would be fight or flight. Right. That’s what we always do. Either run away from the situation or fight our way our blaming the other person for something they are used to doing because of you … I repeat ‘you let them do it for all these years’. Unfortunately, they have grown to depend on you.
So first take responsibility. Oh. that was me. Okay. Now I need to fix this. How. Here are four things you could do.
Identify what is that you feel? Perhaps because you are working towards your dreams, you have changed and the other person has not. Realize that and just accept it.
Build new positive relationships with people who are on the same path as you are: Instead of obsessing about that one or two people who just want to talk about what is wrong in their lives, go find the people who are right for you.
Talk to the person. Now, this I have seen really works. You just let them know how you feel with respect and allow them to think about it. They may not have realized what they are doing. For instance, your actions might motivate your friend to stop brooding and do something!
Lastly, get yourself out of the environment In a situation where you realize that there is no win. Where the other person is just going to use you or does not understand you… or in any way you feel that you are not safe. Get out. There will be times when the other person just dismissing what you are saying and takes you for granted and makes no attempt to change. Remember, its not your duty or your job to change them. Its hard. But its best to move on and look build healthier relationships.
Here, comes the tricky part. Once you have implemented one of these things.. you are going to be torn apart! Your old paradigms want to listen to people and be a people pleaser. The new you… your new habits and personality which will lead to the changes in your brain will tell you to do the opposite. It will tell you to leave the tyrants behind, have an in-depth conversation with the friend which is scary because you do not want to hurt them. Then the new you will tell you to let go of people who refuse to change and never go back to that abusive person! You will lose connections. You will feel disconnected. This is the part of the change that no one discussed in details.
This is going to a battle you will fight, and I am sorry to say you might think you are alone. But you are not! And you may not realize, but you are closer than you think!
Everyone one of us, especially people who want to do something in their life goes through this process. Now, I don’t mean that everyone has to save the world. Suppose someone wants to quit smoking because they want to be around when their daughter gets married. It may not mean much to you, but for them, it might be the most important part of their life. For instance, ask a marathoner what happened on the third mile… and they will tell you it was hard. I had to push it. I have to give it all. I could have stopped and just relaxed but I couldn’t. You know why. Because it was important.
So, if you have come half away, where you find yourself lost in the abyss… the old and the new you…. keep marching. If you do not meet resistance if you do not have a battle within yourself… then you are not changing… but obliging. If you do feel uncomfortable disoriented, puzzled, tired, annoyed… and are thinking why the hell is this not working… then my friend… you are changing!
I thank all my readers! I hope this serves you!